Train Wreck
by Nomen Ist Omen
Summary: Tatsumi muses on why he has to leave Tsuzuki.


**Train Wreck**

Pairing: implied Tatsumi/Tsuzuki

Disclaimer: Yami no Matsuei does not belong to me but to Matsushita-san. I am merely borrowing her awesome characters for a badly written short story. No money shall be earned on my part. Thanks for your attention.

Spoilers: Volume 5 of the manga, but nothing else.

_Notes_

This is not a good feel fiction, I warn you. In terms of writing style, it is an old fic. Therefore, some of the syntax might be odd. All criticism accepted.

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What did one think of Asato Tsuzuki upon encountering him for the first time?

Not much really. In fact, one would shake his head ruefully and walk away, denying the fact to have ever met that person. He was a disgrace for several reasons.

Undoubtedly, as clear as day, he was a complete fool, a slacker and a sweet tooth. Often perceived running around like a little boy on a sugar high and talking in a sing-song voice, his co-workers considered him to be, quite frankly, a nutcase.

Rumours about his laziness and his apparently never-ending appetite spread around the area like swarming flies in a hot, dirty summer. Ironically, not even the World of the Dead was spared from gossiping and backstabbing.

Yet to people, who knew him a bit more intimately, Tsuzuki was talked of a bit more "lovingly". His laziness was still loathed but it was tolerated because it could not be helped. After all, he was only a poor simpleton to be pitied and used for mean jobs.

A childlike spirit caught in the body of a handsome man, he was. An incredibly handsome man, one might add disdainfully as if it was a waste. Such a simpleton did not deserve to be drop dead beautiful.

Anyway, these were the words one would associate with Tsuzuki Asato, Shinigami of the sector Kyushu. Well, at least Tatsumi, current partner of aforementioned man would.

However, he also knew that Tsuzuki, like old saying goes ,was not what he seemed to be. Somewhere, in the depths of his soul, a irrevocable pain and self-hatred lingered and persisted, that only leashed out in the open very rarely.

What would one see if opened deliberately?

There was no answer for this. In fact, there better be no solution to this queer puzzle. For the truth was far worse than any mask.

An epitome of cheerfulness and sweetness surrounded by a dark fog. It was all a lie, a crafty façade that hid the undeniable truth.. The violet eyes, expressive and beautiful, were not the eyes of a happy person. The eyes of a happy person did not reveal a wistful expression and internal, hidden tears.

Furthermore there his eyes reflected an indescribable pain and certain tiredness. A tiredness that was the result of a long depression and self-hatred.

There was no use denying it, Tsuzuki loathed the very breath that came out of his own mouth. He could not stand himself, symbolised by the way he always favoured others over himself.

If it had been of use to the world, Tsuzuki would have more than willingly sacrificed his own life for the welfare for the others. This could be termed as unselfishness but there was another reason too.

Human nature is never unselfish without a smallest hint of wanting. Not even Tsuzuki was different in this case.

One only had to bother to look close enough, which Tatsumi did.

Being his partner, he was often close to the man. Talking or just standing next to each other, observing the shadowy faces in huge crowd moving like cows in a grassland

Going on, listlessly and recklessly, without knowing that death was literally looming in the corner, waiting for the right moment. Like a tiger hiding in the bushes before attacking its unfortunate prey.

At such moments, Tsuzuki was uncharacteristically silent and thoughtful and a certain melancholy loomed over him

Then Tatsumi, who was close to him yet distant at the same time, asked himself what was real and what a deceitful lie. When was Tsuzuki Asato really himself and not playing an assigned role?

A smile, that was as deceitful as the words of a snake. A ghost of a smile, trying to find something worth laughing at.

He was so overly sensitive that it was frightening to watch him. Like a child, he cried at night, begging for forgiveness and mercy.

Amethyst eyes looked tearfully around while lying in bed and clutching the blankets. This had been the first impression that Tsuzuki had made on him after their first assignment together. He could not stand the guilt that filled his heart after killing a living person.

Tatsumi hated it, loathed it. Hearing him cry was the worst because he could do nothing. Nothing at all.

At first he had tried to soothe with calming words. Hugging him tenderly and stroking his soft, silk like hair. He could not help it, even if Tsuzuki was a man. This did not mean anything.

Fragile and vulnerable Tsuzuki had felt in his embrace , trembling and crying bitterly. However, it was to no avail because the crying never ceased. Once he had even tried kissing his partner to calm him down. It had been a spontaneous reaction, not intended but not necessarily unpleasant either. Knowing that he might help Tsuzuki that way, was a comfort.

It had been a shock to the violet-eyed man at first and he had pulled away, blushingly with a surprised look on his face. It had been their only kiss but Tatsumi would never forget that surprised look. It was something that he carried with him forever.

Evidently, he had not been used to human contact, at least not of that sort. He was innocent and this made Tatsumi want to comfort him even more. The kiss was the birthplace for something more, something meaningful. Slowly but gradually the partners had started to form a bond, a relationship based on gentler feelings. Even though they never formed a physical relationship, Tsuzuki would often seek his partner for comfort.

Although he never asked for a kiss, he would often just beg Tatsumi for an embrace and fall asleep in the other man's arms. These moments had been special, especially during their time in Kyoto, surrounded by a calm silence and the peace that filled both of the men's hearts. Especially Tatsumi, enjoyed Tsuzuki's warmth.

However, not even that bond made Tsuzuki stop blaming, hating himself for the "crimes" he committed. After doing his jobs, he would stare for hours at his bloodied hands, red blobs on a pearly white skin, wincing as if in pain. He would shy away from touches, refusing to listen and cry like a broken melody dying away in the wind. Tatsumi was scared and would then only stare at his partner, horrified.

One time, it had been particularly bad after the death of a small girl.

With time Tsuzuki did not only cry but started to punish himself. Like a monk yearning for forgiveness, he scratched himself so hard till scars stayed behind. Slowly the scars would fade away but the memories never did. All Tatsumi could do was stare, dead panned and try to stop the younger man, desperately. It was horrifying to watch but the actions never stopped.

There was no need for him. He was not his saviour nor his confidant. That fact hurt immensely but it was the simple truth.

Every time Tsuzuki was in that dreadful Tsuzuki felt the helplessness and fear. It burnt itself into his soul, hateful words lingering in his mind. Awakening memories of a tragedy that he had tried to forget so hard. The image of Tsuzuki's haunted lock, sitting there like a corpse implanted itself forever in his mind.

He would not forget. Never. If he could not help him, other methods had to be found.

Desperately, the blue-eyed man tried to hate his partner, blaming him for everything and criticising his little faults. It was much easier to just curse a man than to suffer with him. Hatred made these feelings of pity and overwhelming sorrow go away, he would not feel his heart break at the sound of Tsuzuki's cries.

It proved useless, however.

Each day, he spent with that pathetic shell of a man, he found himself drawn closer to his persona. As depressed as Tsuzuki was, he was also a compassionate and loving soul

His forgetfulness was adorable and so was his smile. Innocence was really part of his character and seeing his face light up when eating food or receiving compliments, Tatsumi was happy too. Sadly, this moments were only few and far in between.

That is why it hurt so much knowing that there was an other side of him too. Whenever Tsuzuki smiled in that gentle, shy manner, his partner feared that it would only fade away too quickly and be replaced by that empty look.

Tsuzuki did not deserve to suffer. Instead, he should smile in a sincere way without that empty look. However, he knew that he could not help him. For that, he was far too scared and conflicted himself. He cared for Tsuzuki, more than he wanted to but did not know what to do. He was far too useless and scared.

Scared to show his real feelings, his weakness and that ugly, despicable part of him. Surely if Tsuzuki really knew, he would loathe him forever. Like everyone else.

That deformed part of him that had sent his mother to his grave with hateful words, and told him to run away from reality. It was easier to do so, than to confront the real world.

Watching Tsuzuki was like observing was like slowly observing a train wreck, slowly seeing all the bits and pieces falling on vast, dry earthly area.. Smashed to pits and scattered there on a dirty ground.

Destroyed. If he let himself be pulled it, he feared that he would inevitably be hit by one of the crashing debris. Tsuzuki was slowly on his way to destruction and Tatsumi Seiichiro could not help him. If he did, he would only follow that destructive path and that he could not allow.

He was being pulled in, wrapped up in his warm feelings of Tsuzuki that he was too scared of admitting. If he did, he would immediately become part of that train. Would he not?

That is why he had to run away, repress his true feelings and push Tsuzuki away from him. It was better to save himself. Was it not?

With that question Tatsumi would just have to be haunted forever.

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End file.
